Friday, August 08, 2008

There are some things I used to be

Won't you find the will just to remind me

Kathleen Edwards - "Good Things"

I vanished for a while.
Mea culpa.

I think I have put off rejoining the blogging world because it has just been too hard to describe why I left in the first place. The short answer: I've been ill. The longer, and more accurate answer is that even when I had the energy to write I just didn't have anything pleasant to say.

Shortly after my last post (the red and green theme should give you a clue as to how long it's been) I was bedridden for a couple of weeks. India came to me crying and confessed to being very scared. When I asked her what she was scared of (expecting "the dark" or "the weird creaking in the hall") she said in a very small voice "I am afraid you are going to die". When a five year old says this to you, her eyes full of tears, it changes you, for sure. I felt like such a failure as a wife, mother, family member and friend. I felt like a burden. Each day seemed insurmountable and interminable. Couldn't do anything without feeling bone tired, couldn't exercise; even things that I used to enjoy required so much energy that they just weren't worth the trouble. I have surely been what I refer to as "little 'd' depressed" (as opposed to "big 'D' depressed", which is when you meet the clinical diagnostic criteria and could benefit from some good meds and a nice talk or two with myself or a colleague); stuck in a rut of feeling bad, feeling sorry for myself and my family, and not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel.

Finally, however, I think we may at least have found a tunnel...I'm too scared to look for a light at the end because I don't want to get my hopes up too much. There is a possible diagnosis on the table, and I am waiting for lab results as I write. These tests will tell my endocrinologist where I need to go next, and we are hopeful that I will get back to the old me again. The chorus to the "Good Things" is also very fitting:

Don't get down
Good things come
when you stop waiting around
Good things come
when you stop looking
Don't get down
You've just got to stop looking

Since I last wrote some pretty great things have happened, even if I've been tired through a lot of them.

1. My sister got married.
2. My sister got pregnant (go visit at the Sunday Night Buttermilk Waltz and say congrats).
3. My brother- and sister- in law had a baby boy, Landon.
4. Kate turned 4 and India turned 6.
5. Tracy has picked up the guitar and is hanging out with a bluegrass band on the odd Thursday night.
6. We had to buy two cars in two months (ugh).
7. We went to the Bahamas with our college friends to celebrate all the fellas' 40th birthdays. It was great fun!
8. We traveled to Ocracoke Island with our good friends the Arthurs, who we hadn't seen in 2 years, and had a blast.
9. India danced in the spring ballet, had a starring role in her Kindergarten graduation, and lost her first two teeth.
10. Kate learned to write her name and a few other words, actually made it through her preschool performance without crying, and played some mean t-ball.

And so much more. In other words, life has gone on. And I will too. Blog and all.

** Please check out Kathleen Edwards if you like a female cross between Tom Petty and Neil Young. She's one of our new faves! She can be heard at


Janice said...

Yay - you're back! I'm a terrible commenter, preferring to lurk anonymously in the shadows of the internets, but for such a dear friend and such a fantastic occasion as your feeling better enough to write again, I'll come out from under my lurkin' rock.
Welcome back, my friend.

Clare said...

So glad to have you back!!!!!!!

Joyce family said...

So glad to hear from you and praying that you find some answers on your diagnosis. Your girls are growing up so fast and are gorgeous!

Deana said...

So Tracy may be in a Bluegrass band. That's pretty cool.

I'm so glad you're feeling better and back to blogging. You've certainly had a whole lot going on in your life. It is sad that sickness can make you feel like a failure. We think we are always supposed to be up and scurrying around managing everything that comes our way and never stumble, but that just isn't reality. Sadly we set ourselves up to be super-humans. It sounds like you're back from the dark side though!

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Glad you are back, my dear....I MISSED YOU! Sorry you have been going through such hard times. I am hopeful for you and will keep my fingers crossed about these most recent tests...!